Conventional wisdom says that after you get married, you and your spouse stop trying to doll up for one another, gain weight, and turn into asexual potatoes that make people who view you think “Ew” as you pass them. Well, I am proud to proclaim that however many years...
Oh politics, you frustrate me so.
I had my first nightmare in 1979. I was 10 years old. It took me somewhere in the neighborhood of an hour to calm down, and no matter what evil dreams I’ve had over the years, that moment remained the benchmark for horrific thoughts. Until October 20th, 2012.
There are many reasons I am a comedian and not a singer, but the main two are: My shitty singing voice and my inability to carry a tune.
That said, it’s good to know that I’m good for one thing: causing sneezes.
As a comedian, you have to deal with hecklers: people who want to be part of the show but are too cowardly to stand on stage and write material for themselves. An audience member has only really bested me once. I was performing in Duluth, Minnesota, in the summer of...
I remember the first time I realized I had been hacked, that a joke had been stolen from me…
One of my best friends, Mr. Brian Jones, came to visit me when I lived in Los Angeles. Well, to be fair, he traveled to LA for business, then stayed a couple extra days to hang out with me. It was his first time in Hollywood, and as I took him to his hotel, we got...
At 3½ weeks old, my daughter Hillary made the big-step transfer from a bassinet in the master bedroom, to the crib in her own nursery. Lydia said the move needed to be made, but I was having none of it. I asked if one of us should sleep in the spare bed we put in the...
Ever have a man-on-man massage? I have. It’s very… amusing.
I don’t remember exactly what grade, but at some point during junior high I was in the car with my mom, and a friend. I said something politically incorrect, and my mom shushed me. A little embarrassed, my friend laughed and said, “Your son” while shaking his head. My...
“Did you know that charging your phone for just 15 minutes will probably help if it is not turning on?” ~Recording played while on hold with Verizon Tech Support With somewhere in the neighborhood of five weeks to go before Lydia gives birth, the thought “We should...
“What have we here, laddie? Mysterious scribblings? A secret code? No! Poems, no less! Poems everybody! The laddie reckons himself a poet!”