There are many different reasons as to why couples break up. If you are thinking of ending a relationship, it’s important that you’ve got a good reason to call it off.
This is particularly important if you’re exiting a long-term relationship where you may have shared commitments like kids, pets or a house. You could end up sacrificing a lot, and you need to be sure that these sacrifices are worthwhile.
Of course, having a good reason to break up also matters when ending a relatively new relationship. You don’t want to regret your decision later, only to find that your partner has moved on and found someone else. At the same time, picking up on red flags early on could save you a lot of stress in the long run if it turns out they’re not the one.
All in all, it’s important to evaluate your reasons to determine whether you’re being sensible or a little too rash. This post explores some of the common reasons and divides them into the good, the bad and the ugly in order to help you make the right choice.
The Good
Sometimes there are universally good reasons to end a relationship…
You’re practically living apart anyway
Sometimes a relationship can end without either partner realising its already ended. Perhaps you were dating and you haven’t seen each other in a while – and neither one of you seems to be making any effort to plan another date. Or perhaps you were living together for a while, but one of you moved out after a disagreement and neither of you has made any attempt to reconnect. A period of not living together for two years is grounds for divorce. Don’t be put off moving onto a new partner because you’re technically still with another partner.
Your partner is abusive
Abuse is one of the most valid reasons to end a relationship. And it’s not just physical abuse that should be a dealbreaker. Abuse comes in many forms including emotional abuse (such as constant belittling and blackmailing), sexual abuse (including any unwanted sexual advances), financial abuse (such as stealing money or misusing joint funds), material abuse (such as destroying or getting rid of personal property without permission), mental abuse (such as gaslighting) and discriminatory abuse (such as making fun of a disability or your race).
Abuse will typically start subtle and escalate – while you may forgive the more subtle acts of abuse, you need to take action once it starts to get worse (and before it gets too bad). Abuse is typically grounds for divorce, however not all abuse is legally recognised as abuse. That said, a divorce attorney will usually be able to help you build a case so that you can legally separate.
You’re only with them because your don’t want to be single
Being single can suck sometimes, but being in a relationship purely for the status that comes with it is no way to live. If there is nothing else keeping you with your partner, you should consider breaking up. It’s better to be in a relationship with someone who you actually love and want to spend time with.
You feel happier away from your partner
If you feel happier away from your partner than when with your partner, this is another sure sign that breaking up is the right move. A partner should be a source of comfort. If you yearn to be away from your partner, you’re better off breaking up so you can enjoy your space without feeling guilty about it.
The Bad
There are other motives for breaking up which are not so valid, and that you may want to think twice about…
You both like different things
While there are some happy couples out there that love the same music and the same hobbies, having the same interests is not key to a happy relationship. Having ‘chemistry’ is more about your personality and temperament. Don’t end a relationship just because your partner doesn’t like your favourite song or movie. So long as they are respectful about what you like, that’s all that really matters – you can both enjoy your separate interests in your own time.
You’re no longer madly in love
Relationships are often exciting to begin with because you’re constantly learning new things about each other and you’re often both on your best behaviour. It may feel like you’ve entered a fairytale romance. This is what is commonly referred to as the ‘honeymoon phase’.
Unfortunately, every relationship will eventually reach the end of this phase, at which point the magic will start to wear off. This is usually because you’ve learnt all the most exciting things about a person and are now starting to discover the bad habits and less desirable traits that they’ve been keeping hidden. A reality check is important at this point – no-one is perfect and you need to be able to accept some flaws. Ask yourself: have I fallen out of love, or am I just not madly in love anymore? If their personality hasn’t changed drastically and they still do small things that you appreciate, it’s likely they’re still the one. By regularly trying new things together, you can continue to learn new things about one another and reignite the spark.
There’s a lack of intimacy
Intimacy is important in a relationship, but a lack of intimacy is often due to a lack of communication. Whether you need more kissing and cuddling or feel that your sex life has dried up, you need to talk about it to solve it and not just throw the relationship away – particularly if you love everything else about that person.
If you have tried everything you can to encourage a partner to be more intimate and they are still behaving quite detached, this may be a more valid reason to end a relationship. It could be particularly important if you are still young and healthy (health problems may limit intimacy later in life and may require more sacrifices). Otherwise, communicate your feelings.
You’re not always the #1 priority
You should be a priority to your partner much of the time, but you can’t always expect to be the number one priority. Sometimes we all need to be allowed to pursue personal goals or be there for friends and family. If you are not always the centre of their attention and this is making you frustrated, consider whether you are being a little too possessive. To keep the relationship healthy, it could be important to allow your partner some space and possibly focus on your own goals and friends/family more.
The Ugly
Some breakup motives can arguably be much harder to determine if they are good or bad. Often you need to carefully weigh up the circumstances when relying on these reasons for breaking up with someone to make sure it’s the right decision. A few examples of ‘ugly’ reasons to break up with someone are included below…
Your partner has cheated on you
To some people, this may seem like a dealbreaker. After all, infidelity is legally viewed as ‘grounds for divorce’. Cheating is definitely morally wrong. However, it’s not always an immediate reason to end a relationship and some couples are able to move past it.
It all comes down to trust and their motives for cheating. A drunken one-night fling that a partner has immediately owned up to may be easier to forgive than serial cheating that a partner has kept quiet. You also need to consider the overall health of your relationship and their efforts to make things right. If it is otherwise healthy and happy and they are willing to take measures to reinforce trust (such as sharing access to their GPS location), it could be a sign that it’s worth trying to move on. Just make sure to call it off if the same thing happens again.
You regularly fight
Arguments are normal in a healthy relationship. However, you should worry about arguments if: a) they’re happening frequently b) one/or both of you are getting violent or verbally abusive, or c) you keep having the same arguments with no resolution.
Don’t let the odd fight be a reason to break up. Only consider breaking up if you feel there is always conflict and it is bringing you constant unhappiness. If you are disagreeing on very important principles and goals, it could also be a sign that it’s time to break up.
Your partner has been lying to you
Honesty is key to a healthy relationship. But occasionally we all tell white lies. To determine whether you can forgive lies you need to consider how big the lie is, and how frequently they are telling lies.
If a partner has been covering up criminal activity, addiction, infidelity, job loss or huge debts it could be cause for concern. You should also worry if you are constantly catching them out for lying – especially if they continue to deny it despite you knowing the truth. The odd lie that a partner is able to own up to should not be a reason to break up with a partner.
You’re not attracted to your partner anymore
Obviously, there needs to be some attraction for a relationship to work. However, partners can fall in and out of attraction with each other – sometimes you just need to reignite the spark. This is particularly the case in a long term relationship.
There are many ways to rekindle a relationship. If these methods do not work, then it may be best to break up. Ideally, it should be both of you trying to make it work, rather than just one of you.
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay