How to Date Successfully, and Avoid Divorce

by | Apr 4, 2018 | For Laughs

Jennifer Aniston is getting divorced.


Halle Berry is thrice-divorced.

Jennifer Lawrence just dated a guy old enough to be her dad, and Taylor Swift tears through boyfriends like Guy Fieri does bottles of hydrogen peroxide.

There’s something these women all have in common, aside from their inability to make a relationship last, that is. These women—and many women, for that matter—love Oprah.

Which is where I get confused.

They all love Oprah, yet not a single one of them dates like Oprah.

Look at their collective dating/marriage history: high maintenance men. Actors. Athletes. Directors.

No look at Oprah’s dating history: Steadman Graham.

Low maintenance.

So low maintenance that he’s practically non-existent. He’s not an athlete with washboard abs and muscles aplenty; he’s a tubby lump of clay that knows his place.

Taking the celebrity aspect of things out of things, even if normal women don’t have the opportunity to date famous actors and directors, many women still go through a “bad boy” phase. They’re attracted to the “dangerous” guy… the singer in a band, or dude with a motorcycle. They go through failed relationship after failed relationship, making the same mistakes repeatedly…

…and then they finally mature, meet the nice guy they previously ignored, and settle down.

Look, I’m not smart, but I think there are two bits of advice I can give if you’re looking to have a successful relationship:

Women? Find your Steadman.

Men? Be that Steadman.

Ladies, I know that Steadman isn’t flashy, or wild, or roguish. But instead of being the alcoholic who has to hit rock bottom before straightening up and flying right, why not learn from the mistakes of others?

Find. Your. Steadman.

Guys, the percentage of women-to-men currently enrolled in college is 57% to 43%. That’s four women to every three men. Women are starting to out-earn men in the workplace. The revolution is here, and you can either accept that or be left behind. If you try to compete, you’re going to lose. So don’t fight; know your place.

Be. Steadman.

If you want the hot chick? The Taylor Swift? Wait it out.

I’m not saying you have to wait until she’s been dumped so often that she’s riddled with insecurities and swearing off men forever, no.

You just need to find a woman insecure enough to settle for you.

You won’t be her first, second, or third or fourth choice, but wait it out. Let her work through all the pretty boys and wild rockers. Eventually, she will fuck her way to you.

Which means yes: you’ll have to live with her sexual history.

She’s going to have a rich collage of a sexual past. A tapestry full of daily experimentation, different positions, contortions, things you’ve seen in porn, tantric, hours-long Sting-type sex…

You won’t get any of that, because she got that all out of her system.

You’re getting “I’m tired tonight,” “I’m not in the mood,” “My feet hurt,” “Fine, it’s-your-birthday” sex.

It will be vanilla, and somewhat rote.

And, truthfully, you won’t have a sexual past like hers, because, hey: look at you. There’s a reason you got passed over upon initial glance.

But, if you wait it out, you’ll eventually get the hot chick.

A faded, shadow-of-her-former-self hot chick.

You’ve read a blog, now buy a book.

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