(Don’t feel like reading all the words? Watch the video, yo.)
I posted a video about not buying canned pumpkin for my wife, and it created quite a kerfuffle on TikTok.
Let’s talk about it.
And don’t worry, at no point am I going to say, “Learn to take a joke.”
That would be weak.
I posted the video like any other video—I post one a day—and it did pretty well.
Got about 200,000 views, as well as the expected responses.
A lot of likes, some laughs, some eye rolls, agreement, disagreement.
The comments started coming in too quickly for me to keep track of, so I stopped paying attention.
One week and eight videos later, I got some comments on my newest video, and they were vicious.
“You’re a piece of shit,” “I hope you get divorced,” “You’re an asshole…”
I was confused, until I finally saw, “Just buy the canned pumpkin, jerk!”
So, I checked the canned pumpkin video, and there had been a shift in the previous 24 hours.
Instead of normal comments, a new wave of vitriol had shown up.
An English professor who stole Dan McClellan’s presentation style and is a sort of a David Koresh for unhappy women, had stitched some condescending thoughts with my silly rant.
This is sad/funny for two reasons.
One, the canned pumpkin video wasn’t my first rodeo.
I’ve posted over 700 videos.
I understand that people react without thinking, so I wrote a description of the canned pumpkin video where I pointed out that I love my wife, that in reality the situation had been a big nothing, and that I was doing an exaggerated version of anger, because I was working on a joke about the situation.
I was acting.
You’d think an English professor would, you know, read that, and understand the difference between reality and satire, but I guess not.
So, good luck with Shakespeare, kiddos.
You’re learning from someone who whipped up a takedown video of a caricature.
Like splicing himself into Star Wars—shout out to my nerds—and when Han says, “I don’t know, fly casual,” he pops up and says, “I wouldn’t fly casual, because I’m not a dick.”
(Yeah, ya kinda are.)
The other reason his video is sad/funny is, I’ve known men like him before, the ultimate White Knight to women with emotional problems.
The last one I knew publicly praised women online, and privately he was trying to cheat on his wife with several of them.
Guys like that are so in tune with women, they just can’t keep it in their pants and be faithful.
But it’s OK when they cheat, because they were doing it because they’re so sensitive.
Am I saying the professor is cheating on his wife?
Of course not. He’s a nice guy, just like Bill Cosby was.
And if he can make misguided assumptions about me despite relevant information showing he’s wrong, then I can make assumptions about him, the Canadian Woody Allen.
See how that works?
I also saw that a sassy, self-proclaimedrelationship expert influencerstitched my video, and shouted that it was example of toxic masculinity.
Well, TikTok is filled with younger, overly emotional yet inexperienced people, and studies show that younger people, not older ones, fall for the most internet scams.
Which, the people both stitching my video and their followers seem to prove.
I got everyone worked up over a work of fiction.
Here’s the twist to everything.
My wife works a full-time job, and since I work nights and weekends, I do all the household stuff.
I clean, do the laundry, do the shopping, cook for the kiddos, get them up in the morning and get them off to school…
I take them to their dentist and Dr. appointments and Girl Scouts and on library outings…
I plan the date nights my wife and I have.
I am basically the husband all the angry women yelling at me wish they had.
I have so many positive qualities, it almost makes up for the fact that I have a really small p—
Basically, the Andrew Tate crowd would call me a cuck, or a beta.
But, you know, “Influencer said man bad, so me angry!”
Anyway, let me respond to some comments.
One: “Why haven’t you deleted the video?”
Why would I?
It’s bringing a lot of eyeballs to my channel, and a few these people are independent minded enough to figure out who I am, and not just knee-jerk reacting like a Karen demanding to talk to management.
Two: “This isn’t going how you thought it would, is it?”
Just because your echo chamber targeted something, doesn’t make you right.
Don’t confuse your bubble with reality.
The comments were completely normal until influencers told people to be upset. It’s the same way Trump operates, telling his followers who to hate and blame for their problems.
Three: “Is this satire?”
I said so right in the description, but, I get it.
Testing jokes from your living room is different from saying them on stage.
There’s a difference between seeing someone holding a microphone, and ranting into their phone.
Plus, people who go to comedy clubs tend to be easygoing, good people.
They’re out to laugh and be merry.
Internet trolls… keyboard warriors? Not so much.
They can’t tell the difference between reality, and parody.
Which makes the irony of posting “Weaponized Incompetence” when being outraged by satire, delicious.
Or, maybe I’m just that good an actor.
Or, maybe it’s because some of these people were eating Tide Pods a few years ago.
Again, you don’t have to find any joke funny.
You can hate the joke, but to pretend it’s real is absurd.
Three: “You need marriage counseling.”
Actually, my wife and I started seeing a counsellor toward the end of the lockdown.
A lot of marriages failed during that time because people were so stressed out.
We didn’t want to be a statistic, so we sought help.
It was so beneficial, we kept going.
It helps us communicate and listen to one another, and we’re probably a stronger couple 17 years into our relationship, than when we were crazy hormonal kids excited to have found someone.
Let’s end of this with a question from me, to the snowflake army.
To the people ranting: what do any of you hope to accomplish with your negativity?
When was the last time some random stranger called you an asshole, and you went, “Wow! I’m an asshole! I should change!”
Maybe leaving angry comments on videos makes you feel better in the moment, and if so, great.
I’m glad yelling at me made you feel better about whatever you could be in therapy for.
But it’s not going to change me, because the me you’re yelling about is something you invented.
And I know that what I’m saying here won’t change judgmental minds.
Those people stopped watching when reality challenged their hostility.
Plus, unlike whatever stitched video brought them to me in the first place, this isn’t rage-bait.
Some people would all rather use resentment to keep themselves warm at night than admit they were wrong, and instead of pausing to self-reflect, they jump from target, to target.
“Justine Sacco made a joke!”
“U2 put a free album on my iTunes!”
“Shane Gillis used a stereotype!”
“Kevin Hart shouldn’t host the Oscars!’
“Mr. Beast only helps people for the likes!”
Trying to reason with the outrage machine is like trying to show members of QAnon the overwhelming evidence election fraud didn’t cause Trump to lose in 2020.
Our country has never learned from the Salem Witch Trials; we keep repeating patterns, turning nothing-burgers into Chicken Little ‘the sky is falling’ moments, and everyone participating in the nonsense is a Michael Nifong.
Given all that’s going on in the world, I’m happy I could give people who don’t have original thoughts or content something to stitch and react to and recreate.
And I’m happy I could give everyone else a champagne problem they could use to distract themselves from whatever they could be doing to better themselves.
You’re welcome.
Tune in tomorrow to see what my wife thinks of all this.