Chechen Roulette

by | May 20, 2015 | Miscellaneous

For his role in the Boston Marathon bombing, Dzhokhar Tsarnev, a name that makes spell check say, “Are you fucking kidding me?” was sentenced to death by lethal injection.

Some will debate whether or not the Death Penalty should be legal/is constitutional/is moral/etc., but this is not a blog about that particular argument. I’ve already tackled, and won the “Death Penalty” dispute, thankyouverymuch.

(And yes, won. 99% of anti-penalty responders tried arguing something I had already covered in the blog. Reading wasn’t their strong suit; a desire to crow was.)

Regarding Dzhokhar—Slavic languages: we use the shit out of our consonants—I’ve always had a problem with lethal injection.

You get a little shot; you go to sleep. It’s anti-climactic.

I’ve always thought death penalty should match the crime. In the case of Dzhokhar a friend suggested Death-by-pressure-cooker-bomb. I thought it was a nice start, but not enough.

I say put him in a room with 10 pressure cookers, all set to different timers.

One could be set for an hour, one 3 hours, one 2 hours and 3 minutes, one 2 hours and 4 minutes… you get the picture.

Point being, the first one goes “DING…”

…and nothing happens.

The second one goes “DING…”

…and nothing happens.

And so on down the line.

Of course the tenth one will be the one that goes boom, and that one you set for the longest amount of time, say seven hours after the ninth one.

That way Dzhokhar has all the time in the world to think about what he did.

He can, should he be so bold, even come to peace with his life decisions and demise.

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Comedian Nathan Timmel

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