The Delicate Hands of Hawkeye Pierce

“I went to Toys R Us and walked down the baby doll aisle, and they’re getting fairly realistic. They have ‘baby throws up, baby take my temperature, change baby’s diaper, Jewish baby, it comes with a pair of scissors so you can snip the penis yourself… The reasoning is: the more lifelike the doll, the better prepared a girl is for motherhood. Fair enough, but considering the state society is in today, why don’t they make dolls really realistic? How about ‘Shake the Baby,’ it cries until you make its eyes roll back into its head. ‘Premature Crack Baby,’ born with the heart on the outside and incubator so you can watch it slowly… yeah. ‘Siamese Twin Baby,’ comes with a surgical kit, but only one battery, so you decide which half lives and which half…  ‘Dumpster Ready Baby;’ comes with its own Hefty Bag so you can get back to prom quickly…”

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“Just give them a good show, sweetie. You never know who’ll be in the audience.”

Those words are sounding inside me as I stare uncomfortably at the doe-eyed woman I have been conversing with. A petite 5-foot-nothing, she is charmingly pretty, and starting to tear up as she struggles to express herself. Unfortunately, everything has grown awkward quickly, mainly due to my inability to take a hint, be even marginally aware of my surroundings, or have any grace whatsoever when it comes to the verbal ballet necessary when emotions are involved.

I hate being so dense.

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What Else Should I Be? (All Apologies)

I think that the older I grow, the less honest I become. I don’t mean that I outwardly lie more frequently, it’s just that where I used to be an outspoken, belligerent prick, these days I’m silent more often than not. That statement is probably odd to those who look at me and wonder, “Christ, if he holds his tongue today, what must he have been like before?” An example will probably work better than a description.

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Where Evil Thoughts Linger


No one likes fragility in their life; the idea we are not in control of our own destiny is mind-numbingly frightening. Example: though flying is inherently the safest form of travel, people on the whole feel more comfortable driving their own car. Sitting on a plane leaves you powerless, at the mercy of a pilot you don’t know and inside a piece of technology you probably don’t understand entirely. When you’re behind the wheel, you believe you have a say in what happens in an accident, this regardless of the fact the word “accident” automatically implies otherwise.

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Did John Hughes Teach Us Nothing?

One constant in many John Hughes movies is the out-of-touch parent or adult. Authority figures are often presented as being clueless to the world around them, either blissfully unaware of what it’s like to be a teenager or outright hostile towards the situation. Think of Ferris Bueller’s cheerful yet dim parents. Think of the scolding or neglectful parents at the outset of The Breakfast Club, or the principal in the same movie.

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