A Single Ounce of Self Respect

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Years ago, I had a joke in my set about Islamic Martyrs: “They get 72 virgins in Heaven,” I would say in a confused voice. “How is that Heaven? Virgins are awkward and untalented and don’t know what they’re doing. Wouldn’t men want 72 whores? Professionals, women that know what they’re doing, have tricks in their arsenal and aren’t afraid to take control of a situation and really give it to you? It’s why you never see female martyrs; no woman wants a man that’s going to blow his load during foreplay.”

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The Importance of Situational Awareness


One of my best friends, Mr. Brian Jones, came to visit me when I lived in Los Angeles. Well, to be fair, he traveled to LA for business, then stayed a couple extra days to hang out with me.

It was his first time in Hollywood, and as I took him to his hotel, we got stuck on Wilshire Boulevard in Beverly Hills.

“Think I’ll see any celebrities?” Brian asked.

I looked over at him and plainly noted, “Well, Michael Rapaport is in the car next to us.”

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Distance & Fear

At 3½ weeks old, my daughter Hillary made the big-step transfer from a bassinet in the master bedroom, to the crib in her own nursery. Lydia said the move needed to be made, but I was having none of it. I asked if one of us should sleep in the spare bed we put in the nursery, just for the first few seventy-some nights. Lydia thought me silly and started climbing into our bed, and was genuinely surprised when I started heading over to the tiny, nursery-room bed.

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I don’t remember exactly what grade, but at some point during junior high I was in the car with my mom, and a friend. I said something politically incorrect, and my mom shushed me. A little embarrassed, my friend laughed and said, “Your son” while shaking his head.

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